2017年9月29日星期五

三岁

最爱做的事,就是绕着餐桌找吃的

儿子明天就三岁了。今年和往年不同,我们再也没有回家过生日。他开始上学了,所以为了不打扰他的规律,我们这些日子以来,都很少回家了。再加上,我一带二,很难再像以前一样飞来飞去。等他们大点再说吧!

三岁了。他不懂的许愿,如果许愿有用的话,我愿意把我的生日愿望让给他。许个愿,要他健康,要他不再是特殊儿童。就这么“简单”。我不知道为什么上天做不到。

我有个好朋友,她是虔诚的基督教徒。偶尔会发一些感人的故事,就是什么什么孩子,有什么什么症状。然后因为全家人虔诚祷告,最后孩子奇迹般地好了,跟没事人一样。我当然知道这是她的好意,我当然从来没有反问她。但是,真的,如果真有那么厉害,为什么一开始就制造这么多痛苦?真有那么厉害,为什么只针对性的分发那个所谓的奇迹?

我的家婆一直也很爱我的孩子。总是心疼他从小到大,经历了太多。就常常带他去“问神”,烧纸、拜拜、带护身符等。我也当然知道她爱孙心切,我当然知道他一番好意,我当然知道这是医学上没办法解释和解决的时候,绝境的时候做的事。我当然不反问他。不过,你看,做了三年,有用吗?为什么神明都不救我儿子?

别家小孩过生日,都是开开心心吧。我一年比一年担心。为什么发展还是很落后?为什么还是不懂事?为什么还是不说话?为什么还是会癫痫?为什么为什么为什么……我多希望我可以送他礼物?送他他这个年龄应该懂得欣赏的玩意。可我送了两年,家人朋友也送了两年,那些玩具都是堆着的。我唯一跟自己说的就是,没事儿,妹妹长大很多玩具。

今年?今年不送了。送了没玩,我还自个儿伤心。

你知道家有特殊儿童,人会不小心变成酸民吗?偶尔吧,看见社交网上,别人的孩子干嘛干嘛,多厉害多神奇,我心里就很酸。酸,但什么都不能做。PO什么是别人的的权利,我看了不开心是我自己的问题。真的真的很不开心,那就unfollow他。不看,不面对。

有时候,我觉得大家比我还爱他。我很内疚。不久前的一天,我和他发脾气了,大声呼喝他,骂他。妈妈来劝阻,我歇斯底里的对妈妈也喊了起来(对不起),我这么辛苦谁知道?辛苦到不想干了,谁知道??!我当时是这样在喊。

我当然知道他可怜,被我生成这个样子,他也不想的。但是有时候,怜爱的背后,还隐藏着一丝丝的埋怨。我内心深处怨着就是因为这样这样,我没法怎样怎样……我痛,我知道这个是很错误的概念,我努力想摆脱,但却越是想摆脱越陷得深。

其他的特殊儿童家长好像都特别有爱。我只能够默默的努力,不可以让黑暗的自己把我吞噬。

儿子的生日,变成了我的反思日。写着写着,就是一篇很愤世的文章……

没事,眼泪擦干,重新出发。

(现在生活中最安慰的,就是还有给小妹妹,可爱的在学习。)

2017年8月13日星期日

我要更勇敢面对

大儿子是迟缓儿,已经不是新闻。

从一开始,就是一味的避开,认为他应该是慢啊,可能会跟上。到后来看医生,开始各种各样的治疗。再后来,慢慢把心放开,跟好朋友说得开来。

但是,我始终踏不出去的,就是在更多普通朋友面前,放开的承认这件事。

我是没有必要做这个交代,我生活里的事其实没有欠任何人。但是心里总觉得,如果我可以更放开的,摊开的,那我就进一步克服我的心理障碍。

我正在慢慢的迈入这个阶段。

慢慢的

慢慢的

我可以的

迷恋的望着好久不见的大姨

他最爱我们逛街买吃的

无奈的,蓝莓一下子被吃光了

这个进步得来不易,上学确实是好事

妹妹很可爱,妹妹的加入,慢慢的带给哥哥一点点的刺激。希望这样也会刺激他的进度

2017年6月30日星期五

Stop! Just Stop!

Few days ago, I saw some random sharing on Facebook, of a woman breastfeeding her baby in Parlimen while delivering her speech. And whoever that shared the series of photos captioned the post, asking women to stop giving themselves excuses to leave their career and dreams behind to take care of their children, and only think about sweeping the floor and keep the house clean (something along this line).

This caption, needless to say, makes me uncomfortable.

While I think the mother's action is great and inspiring, I think it's not ok to shame mothers that stay at home to take care of their children.

There's NOTHING wrong to stay at home to take care of the children.

Let me say this again, NOTHING's WRONG!

We do NOT give up our dreams for nothing. It's for the kids, for the family. And who says we do not have our dreams, we have, we just hit a PAUSE for now, we'll get back to it when the kids grow up and care for themselves better. And sometimes, in between the "seems impossible to have time" me-time, we do our best to improve ourselves, work a little towards our dreams.

Trust me when I tell you all mothers who decided to stay at home took a big step. It's one of the hardest decision they have ever made and they took A BLOODY LONG time to decide this is it.

And sometimes mothers still feel a bit of self conscious, so it's no help when you shame them by saying "only think about sweeping the floor"! Excuse me, someone has to do the dirty job anyway!

Everybody has reasons behind the decision that you may not understand.

Please share some love, working mothers or stay at home mothers, they're all about hard work, dedication and love to the family.

Shame no more.

2017年6月28日星期三

Feed The Mommy——Cheat Pizza or Wrap

When I cook for only myself, I like to cook as simple as possible, least effort required but still taste good.

I always turn to my mom (if I'm cooking Chinese food) and Pinterest if I need any inspiration. As I've taken too much pasta (and bacon!) in the previous weeks, last week I bought a packet of wrap, and there goes my life with cheat pizzas and wrap for lunch.

Cheat pizza is great, but I have no imagination and only made tuna pizza. That's absolutely boring. So I go to Pinterest and search for pizza toppings. And boy oh boy, I never regret!

Mushrooms, Cherry Tomato and Spinach on Sundried Tomato Pesto

Easiest of all
I've got this idea from here. I've always loved sundried tomato pesto but never have I thought of using it as the base of the cheat pizza.

I did not have basil, I used baby spinach to ensure I have my daily greens. I actually top baby spinach on the pizza after it's done baking but it wasn't show in the picture.

Instead of using just Parmesan, I used my premixed package of cheese, with cheddar, Parmesan and Mozzarella, used primarily for baking. I think this premix is the life saver for people like me who do not want to grate the cheese myself.

Smoked Salmon and Avocado Pizza

Colourful combi

A closer look
I've got this idea from here.

And again I made some changes on my own, based on whatever I have. I didn't have dill so I skipped it. I didn't mix the cream cheese with garlic, instead I just spread them separately in layers on top of my wrap. I used my premixed cheese, I didn't add onions because I was feeling lazy, I didn't have rocket leaves so again I used baby spinach.

Love every bite of this pizza! Will definitely do this again when there's any promotion on avocado!

Roasted Vege Wrap with Avocado

All the greens, made me feel so healthy :P
I've got this idea from here.

But if you noticed, the author of the page says avocado dip. Mine? It's just avocado. I was too lazy to whip up the dip and I like avocado, I'm confident that with just plain avocado it'll taste good too. And I'm right.

I didn't quite like cauliflower so I replaced with broccoli, I didn't have chili powder, garam masala etc, so I seasoned the chickpeas and broccoli with only pepper, salt and mixed herbs.

As you can see from the picture above, I made so much fillings, my wrap cannot be wrapper and I ended up eating it like a pizza 😅

Buy a packet of wrap (always buy garlic flavoured!) and give it a try! It's soo sooo soooooo convenient and you can still make yourself healthy meal.

2017年6月17日星期六

有苦自己知

最近和一位大学同学联络上,联络上的原因就是我频频在脸书和Instagram PO自己书写或涂鸦的一些卡片。没想到有时候这些卡片会引起一点点小注意,就有朋友开始问我,怎么做的,该买什么样的笔,等等的问题。

就是这张食谱卡

我想比较仔细地回答他,就私下联系。聊着聊着,她说我很棒,一人照顾两个还可以有自己的时间,做自己爱做的事。我苦笑,放在网上的往往是一些美好的画面,混乱的、低落的、不高兴的……脸书上往往都不会出现。都是报喜不报忧。所以,有苦自己知啊。

那种为孩子的焦虑,那种问天为什么对他不公平、那种四处奔跑只为能给他的现状一点帮助、那种一带二四处奔跑得累、那种一发烧好像天要塌下来的担忧、那种频频质问自己哪里做错了、那种对小女儿每一小动作都很在意,希望那一切正常的压力……

在重重的压力之下,我有时候会发脾气、有时候会流眼泪、有时候会很低落。

有时候,很寂寞。

在这样的情况之下,我要是不给自己一点呼吸的空间。不让自己做点自己爱做的事,恐怕那颗心承受不了。做了让自己开心点,照顾孩子也可以顾得好一点。

况且,一技之长,学一学,不知道以后会不会用上?(厚脸皮)

老公不在家时常常会出现的画面,更严重的都有,老公没在,没人给我拍下

我也有这样的一天,用youtube来顾孩子 ~_~;
之前,我对于把大儿子送去托儿所全天有点过意不去。觉得自己明明就在家里,还把他送去。现在,在托儿所全天已经半个月了。我的思想也改变了。其实,他去整天或许对我、对他、对妹妹是好事。(对老公的口袋是坏事)

对我,我可以比较轻松的面对。不需要每天都紧紧张张的过完一天。至少我只紧张早上和傍晚时分。

对他,他有更多的活动。如果在家里,我忙着看顾他两,还有家务,还要煮三餐,都是在survivor mode中度过,根本就没有时间给他活动。而且,现在在学校都肯睡午觉了,心里稍微安慰一点。

对妹妹,更是好事。至少妹妹每一天有一段时间,可以和我好好相处。像哥哥一样,拥有和妈妈在一起的亲子时间。而不是躺在一旁,等我忙忙忙。

之前有位网友在脸书上,对把教养孩子的事情交给别人这个课题发表很多言论。虽然我知道他不是在说我(我们现实生活中完全不认识),但我还是对号入座了。我其实很想发言,很想告诉他,你家里没有一个特殊孩子,你不明白有时候我们就是需要专人来帮我们,然后教导我们应该怎样教养他,处理生活各个方面的问题。但我终究没有发言,因为我不喜欢告诉别人,我家有个折翼天使。

虚拟世界里的我,过得好像很轻松自在。

其实真的,有苦自己知。

2017年6月14日星期三

Feed The Mommy——My Very Own Version of Carbonara

I like carbonara, but I haven't been eating for a long time due to my pregnancy. (The egg used in carbonara is not fully cooked) Actually, pregnancy is not the only reason, I can't feed my son half cooked eggs too, so I actually haven't been eating carbonara for a long time!

I used to cook carbonara using Jamie Oliver's recipe. I roughly remember how, but I wanted to be sure so I tried to search for it. But I can't find it! Dang! So instead, I browsed around a few other websites, and decided to just make up my own.

And you know what? I like my version, so much so I'd like to write it down for my future reference.

Carbonara and a cup of decaf

Ingredients:

  1. Two slices of streaky bacon
  2. Two cloves of garlic
  3. A handful of baby spinach
  4. An egg
  5. Mixture of parmesan, cheddar, mozarella and feta cheese
  6. A tablespoon of cooking cream
  7. Pasta of your choice
Method:
  1. Separate egg white and yolk.
  2. Add the cheese mixture and cream into the egg white.
  3. Dice the bacon and mince the garlic.
  4. Cook the pasta as per instructed on the packet and fry the bacon.
  5. As the oil from streaky bacon ooze out, add the garlic into the pan.
  6. At the last minute of your pasta cooking, add the spinach (you do not want to overcook them, so one minute is just nice)
  7. Drain the water from your pasta and spinach, keep some pasta water. 
  8. Add the pasta and spinach into the pan, stir them well so the pasta would soak the delicious bacon oil.
  9. Take the pan off the heat.
  10. Slowly pour the egg white and cheese mixture in and stir them well. (If you think it's too thick, you can add a little pasta water you keep, I usually don't)
  11. Serve the pasta in a plate, make a small hole in the middle and place the egg yolk.
  12. Stir the pasta and egg yolk well before you eat, the heat from the pasta will cook the egg.
Tadaa~~~ 

I really like how creamy this pasta is. Besides, a plate of good carbonara and coffee for lunch, makes it feel like I'm having a luxury me time in a cafe! (Even though I'm just really rushing off to cook myself a meal when baby is sleeping!)